Friday, April 15, 2011

It's the Grand Return!

[Sensitive readers may wish to avoid this piece]

Apologies to the three or so readers that I have for my long silence, but try as I might, I couldn't muster up the strength in my fingers to type out a new piece for this blog with work constantly hammering down. But today, something magnificent happened, I got Saturday off which means I will have two consecutive days off. I'm very excited. So as a means of celebrating in a very geeky manner, I decided to finally post something new.

Now I've been looking through my film collection for a while now, and browsing the internet for a flick that would be worthy of my first new post in very nearly a month, and I couldn't decide on anything. Then I realized something, I have done nothing but kiss director's asses since I started this, so tonight, I am going to chokeslam a film straight to hell.

Like just about anybody who watches movies, there are many flicks I dislike, and even downright hate. Some, maybe unfairly. For example, "Click," that movie with Adam Sandler about the remote control thing. There's probably nothing really wrong with it, but it's the first flick I saw that made me realize how bland most movies are, so I've got a special type of hatred
in my heart for that. But that's not what I'm gonna talk about, what I'm gonna talk about is something that is completely and utterly deserving of every ounce of hatred thrown it's way. This film has an amazing first rate cast, including Malcom McDowell, Helen Mirren, and Peter O'Toole, oh and it's also sold in porn stores. You may know that there can only exist one film like this, and that is the Bob Guccione(Look him up) produced, "Caligula."

This is a film, that is unofficially billed as the most expensive porn ever made. The film where the director actually disowned it. The film, where it's lead actor, Malcom McDowell, said after watching it, "Now I know what a woman feels like when she's been raped." The film, that Roger Ebert actually gave zero stars. THE FILM WHERE YOU GET TO SEE TWO WOMEN RUB BLOOD ON THEIR PRIVATE PARTS AND PISS ON A DEAD GUY AND NO THAT IS NOT STAGE PISS, THEY ARE IN FACT PEEING ON THAT ACTOR. This is also the film I paid thirty dollars to own on blu ray, only to immediately sell back, and I'm not kidding here, for ONE DOLLAR, and I was glad to get it.

But come on, I had to see it. How could you not want to see something that is so absolutely hated, and yet stars an amazing award winning cast? It was interesting, as I watched it, I didn't really react, or say anything, or even move, I just sat there and let it wash over me. Then, about an hour or so into it, my sister comes into my room to tell me something so I pause it, only then did my mind go, "What in the blue hell am I watching?!?" It actually took me about half an hour to hit play and keep keep going.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not like you can't find flicks with more horrendous shit happening in them, that's easy. What makes this film such a fucking travesty, is that it was supposed to be a major attempt to legitimize pornography in film, and instead takes the good name of movies, cinema, film, whatever and RAPES IT ON IT'S WEDDING NIGHT IN FRONT OF IT'S HUSBAND AND PISSES ON IT'S FACE. It is an absolute slight against anything that is good and holy about movies. It is very clearly nothing more than a heaping pile of steaming monkey shit.

Interestingly enough, I actually made it through almost the entire film before I finally hit that last straw moment and saw absolutely no redemption for the flick. Call me shallow, but when I see a two year old girl get her head caved in by three guys as blood starts spewing everywhere, I find it hard to defend anything about the flick. Let me say that again, I was, up until the very end, able to defend a flick that has plot keywords in imdb that include: Orgy, Horse, Decay, Bestiality, Banned film, Sadism, Sperm, Human animal relationship, Rough sex, Rape victim, Corpse, She-male, Cousin cousin relationship, Peep Hole, Cum in mouth, Actual animal killed, Virgin blood, Urination, Anal Fisting, Forced prostitution, Golden shower, Grandfather grandson relationship, and oh my god there is so much more. But it was like, that was just one too much. There is now absolutely nothing I can defend about this movie, as I said, it deserves every single ounce of hatred and ill will it gets. It is absolute trash, and you should totally make every effort to see it. Come on, you have nothing better to do.